Monday, December 15, 2014

Written September 29, 2014


Josh, good to know that you wrote me. Because I have been expecting a funny letter for months and I was afraid that it got lost, especially because another missionary gets tons of letter from her friend in Japan and I thought yours would easily have arrived by now. At least it went neutral and not bad (it´s all about attitude, probably, so at least you have a neutral one and not a negative one like me). 

Grandma, love you a lot too and thanks for your prayers. I hope that you feel a lot better and your bruises go away too. I am jealous that you get to tend babies all day. I think allegedly it sometimes snows in the mountains and in Tecate, but it is not probable that I will ever get to touch it. It is getting kind of cold in the night and morning here again though. 

Dad, every photo that came after the tile dragon are of Ensenada. I think sometimes I think about home more than my companion that is about to leave. Maybe I am a bad missionary because like it says in the scriptures, if we take up our plow and then look back, we aren´t worthy of the kingdom of God, and I looked back for the entire first 4 months of my mission and probably am not as dedicated as I should be. I know that it is because my camera doesn´t have the best macro mode and I want pictures that are gigantic of little spiders and stuff like that, but oh well. Also, that sometimes I take pictures while walking, but oh well. 

I heard of that movie from the ensign, but I think that it probably won´t come out here. I don´t know how you guys can help us so much with the cars, but don´t worry. He will want the corolla and the truck by the time winter comes, so no need to think about what to do with it. 

Mom, the apartment looks really good. Good Job! I have two packages, but they are in someone else´s apartment, I will tell you when I get them. I´m glad that you guys are going to set goals with the missionaries. Love you, Mom

Auntie, love you too and thanks for the encouragement. 

This week:

I started to have money worries (because they threatened to embargo our allowance) and I started to have a ton of anxiety and couldn´t focus on anything and was thinking about budgeting and all this stuff and then started to worry about kids that I don´t even have and stuff like that. But I appreciate your sacrifices for me, sorry that i haven´t ever really appreciated how much moneyyou spend on me. I also hope I can appreciate the members here and their sacrifices for us.

After that, I went to a district meeting and felt depressed and then they made it worse by saying that we analize DC 4 and that if we don´t have faith (or if we have fear and don´t talk with someone or discouragement) then we shouldn´t be on a mission and we would be better off somewhere else and then I tried to talk more in the practice, but they said we didn´t do good. So I decided not to talk (like normal sometimes), and then they said that it was good, so I just felt like I shouldn´t even talk and a bunch of stuff like that. 

According to a toxic shame book, when people are shame based, they don´t have their needs met and then they can´t meet others needs (that is why it is hereditary). And it is true. Because I just felt worthless and like I shouldn´t be here and that no one likes me (which sometimes they don´t because I don´t talk (especially when I am tired, because introverts can´t talk as much when they are tired, because it takes energy, and extroverts take energy to shut up) and then lash out when they try to show me affection) and I don´t have anything worthwhile to say or do.

 But I realized that I can´t help anyone like that, because I was shut down for like the entire day and according to the book, I need to meet my own needs and then i can help others. But I think that it is an Elder Bednar thing that would be the best solution, that is that i need to turn outwards and then I will just forget about my own needs or they will be met without me realizing it. Because sometimes i am prideful and self centered in a degrading way. 

Also, sometimes I don´t ask for things in my prayers, because I don´t have faith that I will receive them, just because I don´t know if it is God´s will or my own, like healing someone with a terminal illness....who knows?

Also, I never took advantage of the free counseling at BYU, what a shame.

I am not depressed right now, so don´t worry. Just usually Tuesdays and a little bit Wednesdays. I am going to keep trying to be more positive, but I think it is a life long struggle.

When I  get home, I am going to teach you, Dad, the truth about boiled meat, because they best foods here are with boiled meat, because it is like turkey soup where it makes the stew part taste really good. 

Things that do make me homesick: the Denver temple, seeing cars here that look like yours. 

I don´t want to tell you about my investigatores more, unless things are going good with them, haha. So maybe next week.

I love you guys and eternal family and the atonement and just keep swimming and it gets better and better and love for josh and t hugs and love you guys and eternal family

Photos from Mexicali


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