Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Written April 21, 2014


I like that I send your responses to your letters every week to the entire family, so that there is a system of guilt and accountability for writing to me....but really just write me when you have time, because I don't really have time to read the letters from everyone anyways every week, so it is better the way it has been. Except you, Mom and Dad. you guys have to write me every week.

Grandma, I don't know what girl you mean in which photo, but don't worry I''m not interested in anyone here, haha. Good to know that you are getting my letters and thanks for writing me. 

Dad, I hope they have a pomegranate tree too, and I am worried that because my knees hurt, I will never be able to jump rope again and right now I just have to do lame exercises.

I don't know how my phone call will be because it is going to happen after the transfers and I don't know where I am going or anything. Mother's Day here is Saturday if you would prefer that I call that day, I probably can. Tell me what times you absolutely can't do and i will tell you when I am going to call it and it might be during those times (but you'll just have to cancel everything to accommodate me).

They don't usually leave us in areas for so long and I am still in my first, but we will see. I think that I am going to change area, but some elders think that me saying that too much is going to ensure that I am here forever (jinxed).

Ben, thanks for writing me. And sounds like that underwear story means that this theater is going in the same direction like the other (what was that stripping play called?) I hope you feel better and feel free to cry sometimes, but not alone, because I am realizing that is unhealthy and not about stupid stuff either, like that the seniors are leaving.

Mom, to use a 3d printer, don't you need to know how to use cad or programs like that? I think that Josh would probably be more able to help you than anyone else (and then Lindsay next)? I got the puffed rice balls, and now there is only one left. I gave one to my companion and one to another missionary because I am trying to be more charitable and those are each like a kidney. I probably can't use an Easter's color tie anyways....speaking of Easter, I was the only one that even mentioned it Sunday and just in passing in my talk (which was bad....again....I can tell because I asked someone and they said that I was nervous and I learned from playing piano that that is code for you could have done better but screwed up and did bad because you were nervous).

Josh, good luck on your math finals and if you don't know something on a free-response question, just copy the blackboard that they always put in cartoons when someone is really smart with all that math from your memory, even if it doesn't mean anything.

This week:
immediately after writing you guys, we went to play soccer and I decided to play so that I would force myself to be more social and I got upset because my team just drank all of my water and didn't even say hi to me and then when they finally put me in, my knees were hurt  and I couldn't run so I felt bad and quit and had someone sub in for me. Then I was kicking my knee and someone made a comment about how I was a ballerina (which at least my companion pointed out I was injured) and so I went like 100 feet away in the one shady spot and just cried for a little until some missioneras tried to make me feel better, but they just thought it was because we don't have any success in our area...

But other things that happened this week:

I wrote a talk on repentance and I was thinking about how God loves us and how according to preach my gospel, repentance is changing every aspect of our lives so that they are in harmony with the will of God and that that will is us being happy. So, even though everyone always talks about repentance being so negative, really it is just changing to be happier.

To tell you guys a funny excuse that someone used a couple weeks ago to not talk to us:

-Oh I have a lot to do like sweep and clean all this and I don't really have time, so we offered to help him and he said "Oh, no, I'm just doing this to keep busy, I would get bored if I didn't" So we didn't end up teaching him...

Mom, when you aren't busy, could you slowly start making the changes to one of my other suits (you still have the measurements marked, right?). I don't think I need it in a hurry or anything, but I anticipate needing it sometime in my mission.

A sister said her daughter is good because despite all of her difficulties, she always says that she gets strength from the church and always turns to God.

I was kind of depressed on Sunday because we had to give talks and mine stunk really bad, and I can't play the piano anymore and could never ever play it like some people in the mission do and I'm not very much of a people person, even though I would like to be a little bit more. And my Spanish is still incredibly choppy. And I can't sing and people don't like me that much and a whole bunch of other things like that. And I was thinking that the solution I have heard is not to isolate yourself, I feel better when I talk with people and don't feel useless like when I am not asking questions to them. 

Also, do you guys think I have emotion or inflection in my voice? My companion (when I was talking about how people don't like me) said they don't get my jokes because sometimes it is difficult to tell if I am kidding and that I don't fluctuate the tone of my voice very much. Now I am paranoid that I talk like I work in the DMV. 

Anyways, I feel kind of better today. I don't believe in being positive (about myself) because that has almost never made me feel better, but maybe about my situation a little bit. What I really want, is to be able to help other people to feel better when they feel depressed and I think maybe that is part of the way I will feel better about myself by turning outward like Elder Bednar says. I will keep working though and hopefully things will work out. 

I think this is my last week with this companion, which is too bad, because I like him a lot. I don't really know if he likes me, or if it irritates him that I am sometimes negative. But, by all means, I am going to miss him and I appreciate him.

There is a quote that I like in the chapel that someone hung up that says something to the effect of "I have often seen the face (or love or something or goodness) of the Savior reflected in the actions (or love or compassion or something) of a dear friend." 

I also finally found the rationalization that I needed to be disobedient to rules (maybe it is wrong, but it is the most satisfying rationalization that I have found so far that satisfies a lot my natural man and the spirit is willing part). That maybe I am not completely obedient to the rules, but there are lots of Christ-like attributes in which I can work on, like obedience and love and charity and patience and hope. And right now, my obedience is alright, not perfect, but decent. So, I can dedicate my energy to working on love or charity or hope and maybe I will choose to work on perfect obedience later. But I think obedience makes me really ineffective because I just feel self-degrading and obsess on obeying the rules and I think love and faith and patience are much more important. 

I will be fine though, so don't worry. I will tell you guys if I get transferred or what I find out about Mother's Day or anything like that. I am thinking Saturday, just because it might be hard to schedule around churches. Also, consider making me a skype or hotmail account and sending me the login information, so that I don't have problems again, but not one that I will use ever after the mission. I don't know, just that I had problems with my password and stuff before.

Also, my companion and I had the idea of just doing a crappy Argentinian accent or Brazilian one so that it throws people off into thinking we are from there and just giving up on a Mexican accent....because some people don't even think about it. Also, talking faster (that is something I really want to work on).

I love you guys a lot and am doing okay. I am going to learn to turn outward more and serve others so I am not as depressed and eternal family and I will see you soon.

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